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Surgeon: Dr. Hazem Elariny, Arlington, VA
by Cia: My Mother tells me that she would just as soon wash the dishes as to have gave birth to me. She has always said that I was a very easy birth. So, having said that.. I will start this history here.. I was born on April 11, 1963.. and weighed 6 pounds 7 ounces. Kinda small, in terms of babies, I am told. I remained small until I reached the age of 7 years old, and then I started to gain weight.. there are family pictures of me at 8 years old at Six Flags over Georgia, where I was beginning to gain weight, and my summer shorts suit was ill fitting even then.. Of course, the clothing industry didn't even think of making the large population look good with their clothing choices then, and God Forbid if your child was "chubby" I truly believe looking back that the reason that I gained so much weight so quickly was from the emotional, mental, and physical abuse that all of the family was subjected to at the hands of my father. It was not unusual for yelling to be the course of the day between my parents, up to and including domestic abuse quite often. I was often the silent child peeking to see my mother being hurt. That of course made me very afraid to voice my thoughts on anything then. When I would have feelings to express, I would stuff them in, and eat to comfort my soul. My father was sure to let me know whenever he thought of it, that no man was ever going to want me the way that I was.. Meaning fat. He had different verbal taunts that he called me through out my life, having only within the last 5 or so years stopped the name calling, and addresses me by my name. I have been cruelly made fun of in school, called all sorts of names, had pencils stuck in my flesh on the school bus, been the ridicule of all of the kids, teens, etc.. that had more than I did. I am very intelligent, quite talented in my singing ability.. very afraid to sing in front of strangers, out of a deathly fear of being rejected. I believe that it is solely out of sheer determination that I have managed to drag myself out of all of the abuse and the oppression that I was subjected to as a child and subsequent teen. It is amazing to me now, how long that I allowed what my father said to me then to control me and manage my life. There is a saying that I heard somewhere that goes.. "When you hit rock bottom, you will start to rise above it" I hit that rock bottom in 1998. I learned that year that the father that I idolized and dreamt of returning to my life was never going to come back. I learned that he wasn't capable of loving his child like she deserved. I grieved the loss, and then found a support group that was associated with Alanon. The premise was about the Adult Child that had an alcoholic in their lives, and the havoc that wreaks on a person's self esteem I stumbled upon a book that dealt with that subject before I found "Big Kids" . that book lead to my journey to healing, and recovery from my abusive past. During my late teens, I tried several diets to try to lose some weight, just to please my parents and family. I have lost 100 pounds twice in my life, and gained that back plus more.. the last time I lost that amount of weight was in 1991-1994.. I worked for a company then that did not have any elevators, and we had to climb 2 flights of stairs to get to work every day.. and for lunch, and breaks, etc.. the climbing stairs caused me to lose the weight then. Once I was laid off, and the stair climbing stopped, depression set in, and I started eating again. The weight that I have carried all of my life was simply put there as a protective barrier around me, so that no one could hurt me. My thought was that if I was fat and ugly.. then no man ever would want me, so they could not hurt me, reject me, or feed my thoughts bad things to further push me deeper into hell. I worked at that time, and ate food, and stayed in my house, when I was off.. I only went out when I had to.. and when I was home I was generally very depressed, and slept a lot. My weight continually rose to top out at the current weight of 432 pounds. In elementary school, we had a play one year, and I got one of the parts. I was to play a BOY.. and my Mom had to find some jeans to fit me.. God, I will never forget her taking me to Sears and going to the boys Husky department, cause they didn't make jeans for little girls that were fat. I would guess that I was fitting into a size 12 boys when I was 8 years old. The only place that jeans of my size could be found was in the boys department. That lead to many years of going to mens' stores to buy my jeans. I was SO happy when I could go to a woman's department store and buy jeans for me that were cut for a woman. Looking back on my pictures from that time in my life, I can see that I was a very pretty child. In my mind, I wasn't. I believed all the garbage that my father fed me about being fat and undesirable. He didn't do it as much before I hit puberty as he did after that time. He did it enough to enforce my negative self image tho. I had a very wide foot from a young age, and shoes were almost impossible to find to fit. I think that I weighed about 89 pounds then and was less than 4 feet tall.. All of my weight was centralized in my stomach area.. I remember desperately wanting to play sports like the other kids.. but I could not run fast enough to compete.. and when they would choose sides for the teams, I was the last one picked, and someone always ran for me. I was very embarrassed, and refused to participate after falling down several times trying to run fast.. My demeanor was that of a very depressed little girl. By the time my parents divorced when I was just turning 12, my weight had ballooned to over 200 pounds, my height was around 5 foot. I continued to gain weight all through my teen years, usually about 45-50 pounds a year. I would eat whole chocolate cakes in a 24 hour period.. and eat whole boxes of Macaroni and Cheese. I had become a compulsive overeater by then, and ate when the family ate, and when I was majorly stressed.. (which was 85% of the time). I used to get into huge fights with my Mother then because I would eat things that were planned for a meal all by myself. I loved to eat food period.. you name it, I would most likely eat it at least once. Looking back at that time in my life, I am amazed that I didn't have another type of addiction like drugs or alcohol. Alcoholism ran in my family on my father's side. Our home had all the signs of alcoholism and that dysfunction, but neither parent drank excessively. My Father's Dad lived with us most of our formative years, and he was the binge alcoholic in my dad's childhood. Food addiction was still doing terrible things to me, although I discounted that until recently. Having said all of this.. let me now say that I have worked on the vast majority of my issues with my Father, and now understand, and most importantly believe that what he said to me to keep me down was not true. I am a BBW, but I am not unattractive, nor am I undesirable. I am engaged to a wonderful man. We get married November 3rd, this year. :) I started pursuing the BPD/DS because I have a co-morb called hidradenitis suppurativa. I had surgery to stop the progression of it on the left side, as that was the worst area. When I healed from that surgery, and went in to see about the 2nd part, my right side.. My new plastic surgeon told me that he would not touch me unless I lost over 100 pounds. He suggested that I go see a colleague of his at Duke, and discuss the options available to me. With Hidradentis, there is a long history of mostly obese individuals suffering from it. Huge lesions will appear where a person has appocrine sweat glands. (usually in the armpit area, and any skin folds. If you want to learn more, please contact me at the link provided below) the HS will flare up if I am really stressed about something, and also flares up when it is my monthly time. I am 38 years old, and haven't been able to work a full time job, and hold it, since Dec 1998. I have been on Social Security for disability since September of 1999. Just that one fact could have sent me flying to the refrigerator in the old days.. but I realize now that food isn't the comfort that I once believed it to be. .. I was granted SSA due to my obesity and one of my co morbs, Peripheral edema. When I started going to Duke in march of 1999, my then PCP sent me to the leg ulcer clinic because of the acute swelling in my legs and feet. There I was tested for veinous insuffiency/peripheral edema. My ankles were measured, and I could not believe the numbers! My left ankle was 24 inches and my right was 19. I have not ever had High blood pressure.. but when the nurse took the blood pressure in my lower legs, it registered at 264/182! yet my arm pressure still sits at 120/78. So i was introduced to what is known as an "unna boot" which in short is a compression type wrap that is wrapped around your legs to cause circulation to flow, and the swelling goes away. I came back in one week to change the leg wraps. Before they wrapped my legs the first time, I had 2 leg ulcers that had been on my left leg for over a year. One was 3X2 inches across, and the other was 1.5X1 inches across. the purpose of the boot was to facilitate healing of the leg ulcers, and cause the circulation to work properly. The next visit, the nurse took my measurements in my angles again.. and both measured 9 inches!! I could not believe it. I had been trying to heal those ulcers with triple antibiotic cream for over a year, and this therapy that they used to heal them worked in 2.5 months for the smaller one, and 4 months for the larger one. I have scarring now where they were. I also have to wear custom support hosiery to keep the swelling down.. I remember the pain in my legs when someone touched me there.. didn't have to apply pressure, just touch me.. I would scream. Yet, I really did not equate that pain nor would I have admitted that it was problem, UNTIL I didn't have to deal with it anymore. Then I realized how much pain my legs gave me from the swelling. I was also diagnosed at that same time period with Obstructive sleep apnea. The doctors tell me that with substantial weight loss that will also go away. they don't believe that the edema will ever go away completely, but the doctors don't think that I will have it as bad after I lose weight. I also suffer from Urinary stress incontinence, and haven't had a menstrual cycle since December 2000, and before that Feb 2000. I understand that it is also a part of being MO. There have been many many times during my life that I have not had menstrual cycles for months at a time, and now I know it was all related to stress and being MO. I used to tell people that my weight didn't keep me from doing anything that I wanted to do.. Sad thing is, I really believed it.. Funny thing is, I never "wanted" to do things. I know better now. I think that when I do lose this weight, I will continue to be an advocate for the obese folks in this country.. I truly believe that we all need a voice that isn't afraid to speak out for our better good. I moderate another email list for adult children that were raised in dysfunctional homes. Please write if you are interested in joining it. I am scheduled for the BPD/DS on November 26, 2001.. I can't wait for this life changing experience. I will be married, and begin to live a life that I never dreamt possible. I truly believe that God has led me to this path.. My faith and the love of my husband and immediate family will pull me through the surgery with flying colors.. and Linda can I truly believe that if someone were to poll the Obese individuals world wide, that the results would astonish people.. I imagine that the vast majority, if not all of us, have suffered from some sort of dysfunction.. some sort of emotional pain.. I believe that every one of us should have the chance to work at a productive job that we truly enjoy and can excel at, and be a productive citizen.. I believe that every one of us, including the obese children, deserve a home where unconditional love is the norm.. where we are encouraged, instead of being beaten down.. where parents trust and believe in us.. where the children in schools don't treat us differently because we dont' look like them.. Just peace inside, instead of so much pain, hurt, anger, and betrayal. I will get off my soapbox now.. thank you for reading this far. Please feel free to write me if you wish.. I would enjoy getting to know you better.
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