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  • Did you stay too long because of your DS?

    I had my surgery 5 years ago and lost 320 lbs over a 3 year span. My husband had insecurity issues after I lost the first 200 lbs (in the first year). But no matter how bad he got, I stuck it out. Each incident got a little worse than the one before. Well in the past 6 months it got horribly bad. I am now left with a bank account in the red, he drained it. I am in foreclosure on my house because he made it impossible for me to make payments. He's drinking, gambling, and cheating...the trifecta of bad husband behavior. And now I am left wondering why I stayed so long, and I am afraid it's because I didn't want people to think I left because I "lost weight"...I didn't want to be one of those marriages. I feel so stupid. Why did I do this to myself? I really don't think I would have stuck around so long or tried so hard if I was still that morbidly obese wife I used to be. Does that make sense? Am I crazy? Have any of you gone through anything like this? BTW, I did smarten up eventually. I filed for dissolution, which will be in 3 wks and have a new bank account that he can't access.

  • #2
    Tammy,

    I haven't experienced that but I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry - what a stressful hell to live through.

    I am quite sure your story is NOT uncommon - I have heard some people say losing that amount of weight made bad marriages worse and good marriages better - that may be too simplistic, but it gave me pause to think about it.

    Sounds like you're doing what you need to do to get your life on track. Only good things are coming! Sounds like you've already been through the worst.

    Congratulations on your amazing weight loss! That is astounding!
    Melinda (Mindy) from Maryland
    Lap BPD/DS 11/19/2002
    Dr. Hazem Elariny in VA

    Comment


    • #3
      I was "one of those marriages".

      Most divorced post ops went through the soul searching. Most come up with a similar conclusion which is really no different from what non-wls divorcees ultimately realize: We made a mistake. We married for the wrong reasons, whatever they may be. Those with weight problems frequently remain in their situation longer due to esteem issues and personal fears. Fear/belief that this is the only chance, never going to do better, etc. Some believe this through their own brain-beating, others are led to believe it by their spouse (and this is not gender specific).

      There are those who decided before the incision was even made that this was the ticket out. They just needed the "boost" to get their body caught up to the brain. Finally, there are some who believed their marriage was solid and would withstand it but discovered differently after the weight came off.

      Personally, I was in the last group. I believed my husband and I would get through it but I was wrong. The sad details are no longer important and it was a sad ending. But, it was an ending to a marriage that never should have begun and we both know that now. It's been 7 years since my divorce and only in the last 3 have my ex and I been able to discuss it. I have no regrets as I see little change in him over the last decade.

      As for myself, I believed I'd never have love again and even went on a lovely little multi-year self destruction kick to ensure that I never had love again. And wouldn't you know it, love found a crack in the wall and wormed its way in.

      Never say never. And that goes for "I'll never leave" as well as "I'll never find someone", in addition to "I'll never <insert action here>."

      Just don't. Because you will
      http://allmyhoods.wordpress.com/
      It's back, a little bit.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thank you both for the words of advice and encouragement. I just never saw myself in this position and I'm trying real hard to figure it all out. I don't want to ever go through this again.

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        • #5
          (((Tammy)))
          I ate my way to MO after my divorce. I did find a great support group called Beginning Experience. There are teams all over the world. www.beginningexperience.org to see if there is a program near you.

          Try not to blame yourself for staying in the marriage. You did what you thought was best at the time. You can now put your best foot forward and shape your life how you want it. Single isn't all bad. It helps if you aren't destructive to yourself. I learned a lot along the way. It does help if you don't isolate.

          It looks like you lost more than 320lbs... if you count your soon to be ex that's probably another 200+ lbs.
          Chris
          HW 225~SW 205~CW 139~GW 132 BMI 26.3
          DS - Dr Rabkin - Surgery 4/17/08
          PS in Monterrey Jan 13, 2011 with Dr Sauceda

          Comment


          • #6
            I'm in exactly the same situation. I've been married for almost 10 years (been with my husband for 15), 4 kids from toddler to teen. We were both MO when we first married, although I was able to lose/maintain my weight better than him at first. After my 3rd child, my body would not respond to any weight loss technique, so I finally had the surgery 5.5 years ago. He remained MO. But we had a close marriage with what I thought was a solid enough foundation

            We talked a lot about it. I thought we'd be ok. But in the last year his insecurities, depression and bitterness over some very bad professional setbacks have literally taken over his whole life and personality. At the same time, my career and social life has taken off.

            Underneath it all is the fact that I finally realized that he relies completely on my for his self-esteem and sense of well-being. I'm completely drained. There isn't enough human love in the world to fill the holes and fix the hurts he's got. Now I'm contemplating divorce, but I'm worried about how he'll take it.

            I have no idea how to proceed, but I know that the situation as it is cannot last. It's taking too much of a toll on my kids and on me. And ultimately, it's not going to help him get better either.

            <sigh>

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            • #7
              I went to court on the 9th and received the paperwork from the courts on the 11th. It's over legally. I have to say that I have felt absolutely nothing all week. Is that normal?

              BCS, I understand completely. We had no children so the situation wasn't as difficult as yours. You have my sympathies.

              Comment


              • #8
                Tammy,
                It might be that you are still numb. I'm sure there is still a bit of anger, some of it directed at yourself for staying so long, and at him too for being a jerk, emptying the accounts etc. There is realistic guilt and unrealistic guilt. The stuff you can't do anything about now, is unrealistic and if you can, let it go.

                Hugs to both you and BCS.
                Chris
                HW 225~SW 205~CW 139~GW 132 BMI 26.3
                DS - Dr Rabkin - Surgery 4/17/08
                PS in Monterrey Jan 13, 2011 with Dr Sauceda

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hugs Tammy! Sorry to hear about it but I liken it to a butterfly... going through stages then emerging... Just do you and enjoy! No looking back. I have looked on my DS as a 2nd chance for a new beginning. Hope it works out well for you too!
                  me

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